Adoptee

Things one should never say to an adoptee

We all empathize with how an adoptee feels for being raised by an adoptive family. And despite the nurturing arms of his/her adoptive parents an adoptee, at some point in his/her life, will want to find the person who brought him/her into this world in order to feel a sense of wholeness and no matter how painful it can be. Being in an adoptee's circle of supportive network, what you can do is to provide an empathetic presence.

Sometimes, we're too caught up with our own emotions that we forget the things we say to an adopted child. Yes, we probably accept his/her birthmother's decision to give him/her up for adoption and like what most people think about adoption, it was maybe the best decision at that moment. Yet, notwithstanding the drama associated with adoptions, there are certain things that adopted children should never hear from someone.

What NOT to say
If you're one of the support networks of an adoptee, here are some things you should not, under any circumstances, say to an adopted child.

For one, never tell an adoptee that he/she is special for being an adopted child or anything to that effect such as saying "you were chose". Regardless of your good intentions for saying these words it can do more harm than good to someone who was adopted.

An adopted child is entitled to his/her feelings so that it's important to recognize that rather than negate the feeling for the sake of making the person feel better. Such words as "you shouldn't be angry or sad" are better said to someone else but an adoptee.

When an adopted child wants to meet his/her birthmother or birthparents, never say "Why are you interested in someone who didn't want you?" or "Why don't you want to find someone you didn't ever know?" Remember to be empathetic only instead of sharing your opinion which might be contradicting to that of the adoptee. Besides, it's hard to relate to how they feel when you're not an adopted child yourself.

Adopted children will always be thankful to their adoptive parents for all the years of treating them as if they are their own. It's something they don't need to be reminded of. In relation to that, avoid telling an adoptee that his/her adoptive parents would be hurt if he/she tries to pursue his/her birthmother - it has nothing to do with how much his/her adoptive parents love them because they most certainly feel the same for them, too. Thus, don't tell an adopted child that he/she's being ungrateful for pursuing such feat of looking for his/her real parents.

One can never change the past, but to an adoptee meeting his/her birthmother would probably give more sense to living.