Negative Friends

Negative Friends

We all have them - friends who drain our self-confidence. Maybe we've been friends for years, or attend the same church or sports club. Maybe we work together and severing ties could hurt us on the job. Then again, maybe we're ignoring a real problem and using them as a scapegoat.

What is a Good Friend?

When speaking of self-confidence, a good friend is someone who helps you maintain a positive, realistic expectation that you can live a good life. This person is supportive, loyal and Active when you need them.

Let's take a look at Jill and Jean. They met several years ago through their children, and have stayed loosely in touch ever since. After Jill's family moved, she came back to visit a few times, and invited Jean to her home. They always support each other, they give advice when they think it's needed, and see one another two or three times a year. These are healthy friends.

What is a bad friend?

Bad friends can be people we see everyday who we believe are supportive, loyal and caring. A closer look at their actions, and our responses, tells a different story.

Chris and Lilly talk together on a daily basis. They became friends after coaching soccer together. Chris also teaches at Lilly's son's school. After she drops her son off in the morning she stops in at Chris's room, then goes to the office and gossips with the secretaries. Too often she shares Chris' personal business and it's raising eyebrows on the job.

Unless someone tells Chris what's going on, he's probably not going to find out. He may go on believing Lilly is a friend until it causes a significant problem. She seems supportive, and always willing to listen to his problems. In fact, she encourages him to talk about them.

Actions Speak Louder

Going back to Jill and Jean, when they get together they talk about their families and fun things they are doing with them. They talk about hobbies and latest news on interests they enjoy. They also make an effort to see one another, and to extend an invitation. Their relationship is give and take.

Chris and Lilly, on the other hand, have a very one-sided relationship. Chris talks, and Lilly listens. If he encouraged her to take a bigger part in discussions, he would soon hear her views on many different people and their lives. That would be one clue to her true intentions.

Chris isn't being a great friend either. He hasn't extended her the same kind of support or encouragement. She might tell him it's okay that they always talk about him, but unbalanced friendships create resentment and backstabbing.

Cleaning House

Sometimes you reach a point where you have to look at your friendships, and decide who stays, who goes, and when you're willing to work it out. If you are trying to become more self-confident, seek out the friends who are fun, make you feel good, and keep you involved.

Just like any other area of life, you can take baby steps to improve your relationships with other people. Just be realistic. Someone who uses you as a drinking buddy, or a drug connection, isn't a true friend. If you can't move on to healthier activities, you may be a component of an unhealthy addiction.

Likewise, many friends won't have time for discussions once your life begins to turn around. Friends who can only lend an ear during troubled times might be using you to make themselves feel better. They definitely won't help you in setting attainable goals, or in praising your efforts.

Being a Good Friend

Adults and kids take pride in being good friends to others. Be supportive of their dreams and decisions, recognize their individual needs when giving advice, and be positive about effort even when their efforts fail.

By being a good friend, you inspire the same in return. You also know what it takes to be a positive factor in someone's life, and have a more realistic attitude when considering whether you can fix a "bad" friendship or not.